On Feminism

Beastocity: 3
(no, I didn't become a creepy old guy. that would be qualify for 3 to the millionth power)

“Yes.”
Apparently the question had gone around to all the women in the room and I had just pulled out of a side conversation in time to hear “Jenn, are you a feminist?” Without pausing to think, I simply replied “Yes.” Although there are a million definitions and ideas of what a feminist looks like (see popular t-shirt above) I felt pretty confident that I was one of them. I was surprised to hear that I was the only woman in the room that said that they were a feminist. The other women seemed uncertain about identifying themselves as ‘a feminist’ and felt more comfortable describing what was feminist-y about them and some coming to the conclusion of “I guess so…” I don’t blame them! So often feminists are thought of as bra-burning-angry-unshowered-unshaven-she-woman-man-haters. Who would want to identify themselves with that and make all the men in the room break out in a cold sweat and locate the nearest exit? Not me. So recently (since this happened just last week) I’ve been thinking about why I would call myself a feminist.

From an early age I felt a strong desire to break out of traditional gender roles. I refused to wear dresses for a period of time in elementary school. I insisted on running around and climbing trees barefoot. In high school I had one of my guy friends show me how to lift weights because I was so tired of people not allowing me to carry heavy things. Coming into college I gladly told people that I didn’t know how to cook (which I think I avoided learning on purpose) and would find many an occasion to flex so that I could enjoy the surprised looks on people’s faces.

But feminism isn’t just about defying gender roles, especially if most of that comes out of bitterness and angst. My kind of feminism comes from a longing and desire to see everyone become the person that God created them to be without the barriers of gender roles. I desire to see both men and women encouraging each other and fighting the “roles” of society to fulfill their God given purposes. That sounds amazing! I think that (along with processing my own angst!) is why I’m a feminist.
So, yes, I do also have my own angst (which my friends and boyfriend lovingly and patiently help me to work through) which has often given me a little attitude around my office. It’s getting better (although this afternoon I did try to scarily brandish a knife in the kitchen because I was getting annoyed…tee hee) and I was able to keep a level head when I had a particularly interesting conversation with one of the principal architects in our office today.

I delivered this huge box to him the other day and he came up to my desk with it this afternoon excitedly telling me that it was a grill. He was so excited because apparently one of our consultants had sent us a small grill last year and it was stolen (I had never heard about any such story). So he was saying that he wanted a safe place to store it and I assumed that was why he was involving me in this. Ha. Next thing I know someone else asked him what he was going to do with a grill and he looked right at me and he said “No, it’s for YOU. It’s for balcony hour!” Cringe. Poor guy. He was smiling so big and looked so happy and I must have looked like I was in severe pain. Half of me had my mouth open trying to smile and the other half of me was trying to figure out how to look as disinterested as possible so that I could break it to him I wasn’t about ‘fire up the barbie’ on a weekly basis. It’s enough that I slice bread and wash fruit for them every Thursday afternoon for our office happy hour on the balcony but… grilling? No way. I think the only thing that saved me was that I was still slightly amused at situation (who sends grills for holiday presents? Aren’t we in a recession?) Luckily I kept my mouth shut (although statements like “yeah, right” and “YOU can grill, I’m not grilling” were close to surfacing) because after we opened it, it turned out to just be frozen meat from a famous bbq place in Texas (apparently he had just opened a corner and saw the words BBQ). Needless to say, I was spared from becoming “Jennifer the Grill Master” and now I only have to figure out how we’re going to heat and serve several pounds of ribs, sausage, and brisket.

Lucky me :)

Turtles, Porkupines... and Jenn?

Beastocity: - 5

I highly value social situations that are not awkward. If I have a conversation with someone that is not awkward, I feel deeply loved and served by that person. Growing up I saw how my mom would smooth over strange social situations – be it a blunder of a close friend or family member or sitting next to someone at the airport – she would always have something funny and friendly to say to just put everybody at ease. So I grew up and went off to college with the same value and loved meeting new people and helping them feel at ease and making potentially awkward situations as least awkward as possible.

Maybe I’ve become too hypersensitive but I think I’ve been starting to regress in my smooth social skills. Recently I’ve been having a lot of awkward social interactions with people, usually at work. And it really bothers me. Usually after each one I’m internally reprimanding myself for my own awkwardness. Usually it goes something like this “One: why am I so awkward? Two: why am I so awkward? Three: why am I so awkward? …” and so on (no joke about the numbering, I think that is my internal J-ness coming out).

Here are my least favorite that I’ve been stumbling upon:

The hallway stare: What to do when you’re walking down a long hallway and you actually make eye contact before you’re within speaking distance? Look away and then look back and say hi or something? Smile and keep staring at the other person until you can say hi? Yuck!

The mumble fumble: What to do when you’re talking with someone and they mumble something you can’t quite understand but you either laugh or say something like “yeah” anyway. Then there’s that awkward silence where you’re like wow. I guess now’s the time where I could have responded to whatever that last thing that they said was, if only I knew what it was that they said last…. Yikes!

And many, many more… I think I’m finding that the more I try to be a social tinkerbell and try and cover everything with pixie dust the more I’m just appearing awkward and nervous. Crap. What to do? Embrace awkward conversations? Laugh at yourself? Blame it all on the other person?

Suggestions, anyone?

the full life

That’s how life seems right now (full, that is, and not with penguins... you'll see later). But don’t get me wrong, this isn’t a post to try and make myself seem really important or anything. It’s just that I’ve been thinking about how dense things have felt right now. By dense, I mean spending a lot of time thinking about things like ‘how God is at work in this person’s life and what you could do to lead them well’ or ‘create a birthday present for your little brother that will make up for the ways you haven’t loved him enough this year’ or ‘ponder the topic of patience in the kingdom of God and produce something that will speak to students’ or ‘what would God have for me in this next season of my life?’

It’s just not the kind of things that you can bs without some nasty serious consequences (‘I dunno, it just kinda sounded cool to spend this next season of my life trying to start the first penguin synchronized swimming colony…’). So you can imagine it sounds a little strange when one of my coworkers asks me when I want to go to lunch with her to talk about graduate school and I tell her ‘how about the week after next?’ and then she laughs at me because no one, not even architects and surely not the office mule, plan casual lunches two weeks in advance. My bad.

But what happens when you start operating at a high level of ‘density’ in your life and then you go through seasons where things are less ‘dense’? What if you’ve based how you function in relationships on your ‘denser’ seasons? What if you’ve started to have your identity rooted in how you function in your ‘denser’ seasons? What if you start believe that people love you only because of what you do and accomplish?

Then what?

I guess that’s why it’s so important to keep a Sabbath, or a day when you yell a loud ‘NO!’ to those thoughts that tell you that doing equals being and you whisper a quiet ‘yes’ to a God who says that you are loved before and after you accomplish anything. Where all you do is ask God how you should be in his presence and his love for a day.

Question is, when is my next Sabbath?

Sorry

Beastocity: 17 (or something like that)

So my post-college years so far (all one and a half of them) have also provided me with some of the most emotional years of my life. Don't worry, men, I won't go into all the feminine details but let's just say hello monthly mood swings. So my point is I was really excited about posting something this week but I'm not so much in the mood anymore. It's been a long day. My apologies.

Where Art Thou, Family??

Note: I'm not actually related to these people although I'm sure my distant relatives did look something like them...

Beastocity: 15 (how many months I’ve officially lived on my own)

It’s been a while since I have lived at home, like full-time lived at home. I think fall always makes me think of home. Something about the leaves flying about takes me back to my childhood (which, in reality, wasn’t that long ago…). But lately I’ve been thinking of home a lot. There are a lot of things that I have missed that are pretty important like my brother just turning 18 and becoming an eagle scout, my mom’s birthday coming up, and some other family happenings. Seeing all my family in the same location right now and how much they get to be around one another causes me to wonder how much longer I will be so far away from them (or how much longer before I make most of them move out here… hmm).

But I think I’m starting to get used to this whole living on your own thing. I’m starting to regularly do my chores, I pay bills, keep somewhat healthy plants, cook decent food, make necessary doctor appointments (man, I never realized how much stuff my parents did for me growing up…), make somewhat regular blog posts, etc. And I’ve been so grateful for my house family! In many ways we’re becoming more of a family by being more responsible about our home, being more willing to talk about our lives, being more available to listen about each other’s lives, sharing food with each other, doing fun things together, and overall getting to know each other better. We even have little plant babies named after Harry Potter characters! Never mind, I won’t take the metaphor that far (plus our plant babies sometimes get neglected… whoops). But we’re becoming more of a family.

But that does bring me to another family that has been missing lately. My blog family! What has happened to all you bloggers whose posts I count on to give me a smile and a chuckle during dull parts of my day? To feed me with intellectual nuggets on which I can chew on throughout my week? To encourage me to seek good things? Where have you gone? I know I’m not the best example, but I hope that this post inspires you to WRITE ON, FAMILY!!!

Happy anniversary to me...

Beastocity: 1 year

At the beginning of this month I celebrated my one year anniversary at my job. Hooray. I still feel like I’m learning new things, although maybe not every day, at least once a week. I feel like I’ve finally warmed up to most of the people who I automatically branded as “scary.” Overall, it doesn’t really feel like a year has passed. Sure, tons has happened and college feels like at least a year ago, but I never imagined that being in one place for a year could feel short. When I first came here, I’ll admit, I was like psshhhh there’s no way I could see myself here for a year… puhleez and as I asked some of the folks how long they’d been here and heard the responses of 2 years, 5 years, 15 years… I couldn’t help but think woa… looser. And I think my one-year-ago-self would have said the same words to my present-day-self. Wow, one year. Maybe that doesn’t seem like a big deal to you and maybe I have vocational commitment issues or it could be that my gut is telling me that I haven’t arrived at my dream job yet (duh, gut, but these things take time…).

Which has also led to my recent sentiments of urrgggg, [sigh], and uhhh as I think about the next year which I will most likely be here (by the grace of God). But instead of running through my list of reasons why I should bash my job, I’d like to express my gratitude to my job and to God for providing me with this job.

Thank you God and job for growing me in my confidence to do maintenance and use tools. I feel empowered that people would come to me to help them fix broken paper shredders, jammed copiers, loose keyboard trays, lift heavy boxes, and other mysterious electronic malfunctions.

Thank you God and job for teaching me humility as I disappoint people and realizing that my knowledge in good wines is actually pretty poor and that my worth does not come from approval from others.

Thank you God and job for helping me grow slowly in my integrity by becoming a person who would interact with the boss and the building janitor in the same manner.

Thank you God and job for helping me take myself less seriously. While I used to cringe inside whenever I had to wheel the noisy cart full of groceries or beer past a conference room full of important people, thinking about how ridiculous I looked and instead trying to pull the cart in all manner of ways that would make it look least like a grocery cart and more like um.. something more graceful than a grocery cart, I now could care less as heads turn and I just push the darn cart in all of its grocery-and-beer-exploding-grocery-cart-looking-glory.

One more year, here I come!!!

But, honestly, after that it’s quits. Seriously. If you hear talk of a year three I give you permission to call up, pretend like you’re me and quit for me. Friends don’t let friends… you know.

Reflections on "Swine Flu"

Beastocity: 300 (percieved), 3 (actual)

There are two types of swine flu: swine flu and “swine flu.” They are different. The first: an unkosher version of the regular flu. The second: a public hype caused by rumors and stories including that one chain email with the picture of the little kid licking a pig’s face.
So, after being diagnosed with swine flu Wednesday afternoon, it soon became apparent that I actually had “swine flu.” Now I’m happy to report that I pulled through my illness with flying colors and have made a full recovery from “swine flu.” I’d like to take a moment to share my suggestions to any of you should you find yourself in a similar situation:

- DO go to your doctor. Really, a fifteen dollar co-pay in exchange for three days off work is totally worth it.
- DO fill the prescription for the “fexpensive” medicine they prescribe you, you might actually have swine flu after all
- DON’T pay for it. If I could do things differently, I see myself using Peruvian Instant Darkness Powder (see Harry Potter) and dashing out of the pharmacy instead of shelling out $50 for 10 pills.
- DO get a thermometer with a soft flexible tip. One word: pleasant.
- DON’T be caught without bread or orange juice. They are necessary for survival. (As are the amazing friends who bring you some :)
- DO have sunflowers around. They make being quarantined a lot better.
- DON’T overdo it. Some light organizing and thinning of stacks of papers is perfect for “productive rest”
- DO disinfect after yourself. Common courtesy, folks.
- DON’T be surprised when people don’t want to touch you
- DO break quarantine and ask for a hug when you’re friend tells you she’s not scared because she has a super tough immune system. Honestly, to go without seven touches a day… crazy.
- DON’T get “swine flu” when it’s hot outside if you don’t have air conditioning
- DO get “swine flu” when it’s hot outside if you do have air conditioning
- DON’T believe your appetite when it says you want In N Out and you really know you can’t handle more than some soup. Best decision I ever made…
- DO call your doctor when you’ve felt like a normal human being for 48 hours and have them tell you that you may resume normal operation. “Swine flu” is fun, but not that fun.

Weekend, Ho!!

Weekend!
The word changes meaning throughout the years and I recognize that my weekend plans don’t look like they used to so I thought I’d reflect a little about my typical weekends:

Toddler: who knows… probably some sleeping, drooling, and punching of my sister

6 years old: Dude, as long as the my little ponies are coming with me, I’ll go wherever you tell me to go and do whatever you tell me to do

10 years old: Go swimming, do homework, swim, climb my tree, swim, maybe go somewhere on my bike.

12 years old: Okay, mom, here’s how it’s going to go down. Lauren and I are going to ride our bikes to go get a doughnut for breakfast, ride around the neighborhood, play some N-64, ride to Blockbuster and rent a movie, check out the newest Beenie Babies next door at Hallmark, go to her house and watch it, maybe work on our backyard fort or make a home video narrated by our beanie babies. Yeah, don’t worry about me, see you guys later.

14 years old: Everyone is going to the movies tonight so, of course, I have to go. Plus I just got this totally cute new outfit I want to wear. But does my curfew really have to be 10pm and do you really have to pick me up in the minivan?

16 years old: Another weekend on the boat? I’m going to miss my friend’s birthday party and the school hockey game, and I won’t be able to watch the new Making The Video that’s going to be aired. Bahhh, whatever.

18 years old: Thank you Lord that we’re going on the boat again this weekend. I really just want to go read on the beach! That way I can leave the football game early and skip out on all the drama although I guess I’ll hear it all by Monday anyway. How many days until college…?

20 years old: Finally! No more class, so I figure all I need to do is finish those few books, whip up a few essays, knock out a few problem sets, hang out with a few friends, have a few meals, get a little more sleep (as long as they’re not too loud down the hall), and squeeze in a little piano practice somewhere. Yeah I can make all that happen when I get back from the conference Sunday afternoon, no problem.

23 years old: Well, since I’ve been cooped up in an office all week, I just want to get outside! Hm, maybe I’ll go for a hike or a swim, okay, that’s top of the list! But wait, I didn’t get much sleep this week so I should probably nap a lot and sleep in, yeah, early nights for me! But I haven’t seen any of my friends all week so I should go to that person’s party and hang out with them, yeah, I haven’t seen them in a long time and friends are important! Oh, and I also really need to read some of that book for the IV internship, gotta stay responsible. Maybe I’ll also get to that list of people I need to call and those emails I should respond to… yeahallwhile I do laundry, clean my room, and make some food for the week. Or maybe I’ll just get some boba first and that will help me figure it all out.

Summer Highlights

Beastocity: 37

First of all, a round of applause, please. Thank you, thank you. I have made it through my first non-summer!! Yes my first summer working full time, amazing. So, yes, it is still the beginning of August, but with tests, performances, and IV around the corner, it seems to me summer proper is winding down. Here are some of my highlights:

- Having the veil of business lifted so that I was able to actually start identifying my house as my home! Our house family did many cleaning and organizing days, purchased some new furniture, and added some homey touches like our welcome mats (yes, plural!). I also initiated some new potting! We replaced our nasty plant skeletons with live, flourishing plants! There’s Hagrid (a lavender plant), Ron & Hermione (two red/orange lantanas) and the still unborn poppies (which I will replace soon… I promise!).

- A vacation! Conveniently located smack dab in the summer was our family vacation to Austria! It was so amazing, incredibly beautiful, and deeply warming to be with my family in such a gorgeous place. Much bonding occurred during long car rides around the country and over tasty meals. While the places we visited were amazing (!!!!!!) on the top of my list was being able to spend time with my brother-in-law and see how much him and my sister are in love :)

- With Kyle in Hawai’i for most of the summer, I suddenly became very fond of my cell phone and enjoyed many long conversations with him. I really enjoyed our times talking about all sorts of things, whether fun, ordinary, difficult, or deep, and I think my housemates got a good laugh out of seeing me flopped on my bed on the phone with a smile on my face. (And it’s even better in person!)

- Good people + good places = good times. Many friends at the Santa Monica beach for my birthday. Caroline, Eric and others at LACMA for free jazz on Friday and a stroll through the museum. Visiting Sarah in Long Beach and loving her new town and apartment (and apartment’s pool!) Vanessa in town (twice!) staying at our place and having oodles and boodles of fun. Kendra moving in across the street and seeing her when I get home from work. Kristin over for dinners, lunches with Utibe, meeting new folks in the Streetlamp internship, having Joellen and Rhoelin live with us for the summer. And the list could go on…

Well done, summer of 2009!