Reflections on "Swine Flu"

Beastocity: 300 (percieved), 3 (actual)

There are two types of swine flu: swine flu and “swine flu.” They are different. The first: an unkosher version of the regular flu. The second: a public hype caused by rumors and stories including that one chain email with the picture of the little kid licking a pig’s face.
So, after being diagnosed with swine flu Wednesday afternoon, it soon became apparent that I actually had “swine flu.” Now I’m happy to report that I pulled through my illness with flying colors and have made a full recovery from “swine flu.” I’d like to take a moment to share my suggestions to any of you should you find yourself in a similar situation:

- DO go to your doctor. Really, a fifteen dollar co-pay in exchange for three days off work is totally worth it.
- DO fill the prescription for the “fexpensive” medicine they prescribe you, you might actually have swine flu after all
- DON’T pay for it. If I could do things differently, I see myself using Peruvian Instant Darkness Powder (see Harry Potter) and dashing out of the pharmacy instead of shelling out $50 for 10 pills.
- DO get a thermometer with a soft flexible tip. One word: pleasant.
- DON’T be caught without bread or orange juice. They are necessary for survival. (As are the amazing friends who bring you some :)
- DO have sunflowers around. They make being quarantined a lot better.
- DON’T overdo it. Some light organizing and thinning of stacks of papers is perfect for “productive rest”
- DO disinfect after yourself. Common courtesy, folks.
- DON’T be surprised when people don’t want to touch you
- DO break quarantine and ask for a hug when you’re friend tells you she’s not scared because she has a super tough immune system. Honestly, to go without seven touches a day… crazy.
- DON’T get “swine flu” when it’s hot outside if you don’t have air conditioning
- DO get “swine flu” when it’s hot outside if you do have air conditioning
- DON’T believe your appetite when it says you want In N Out and you really know you can’t handle more than some soup. Best decision I ever made…
- DO call your doctor when you’ve felt like a normal human being for 48 hours and have them tell you that you may resume normal operation. “Swine flu” is fun, but not that fun.