Beastocity: 8 (and rising)
I like to think of myself as a rebel. Well I’m not, but I think there is some instinct in me that wants to go against… stuff. It’s hard to just receive. I have a hard time receiving. I want to prove myself worthy or prove myself unworthy, anything but freely receive. Receive what?, you might ask. Well, anything! What was your response last time someone complimented you or gave you something? Is your internal processing something like woa, do I deserve this? a) no! oh no! what do I do now? Either provide evidence that I don’t deserve their kindness or… what could I do to deserve it? Hmm, yes I’ll do that. Yes, then I’ll be able to deserve this. here just wait here a second and I’m going to take care of some business and then we’ll get back to this receiving thing. b) hmm well… I have done this and this recently and therefore I do deserve this, in fact, why didn’t I get it sooner? man they owe me. what could I do to show them that I deserve more… yeah, this isn’t good enough.
Relate? Maybe not. But such is my response to others all too often and that has been my response to God recently. I want to rebel. Love? He has love for me? Ha, whatever. Isn’t he all knowing? Well if he loves me then he must not be. And I’ve gotten tired. I’m tired of response (a). Something in my heart tugs back and forth saying that I’m in such a great need for God’s love but also saying that I don’t even want to ask because he just might give it and I’m not feeling like I deserve it right now. I’ll get back to him when I feel like I deserve it.
Today was a little different, a hiccup in my normal brainwaves about this topic. It went something like this: Do I like and trust God’s way of doing things but not his economy of giving and receiving love? well.. yes. Is trusting God trusting his way of doing things? yeah. Do I trust that if God wants to give me love, then he should? oh... not currently. Do I want to trust God? I want to.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Thursday, May 7, 2009
"soft voice"
Beastocity: err… tell you in a month.
So, while I’m on the theme of noticing funny little things about myself (well this can be the second in my theme…) here’s my newest: I have a “soft voice.” I never thought of myself as having a “soft voice” (maybe I still don’t cus I’m putting it in quotation marks). I mean, I guess as I look back on my entire life I remember some instances that might prove this “theory.” For one, one of my pet peeves has developed throughout the years to be when someone can’t hear you and they lean into you and say “What did you say?” As though you couldn’t say it in a louder volume and instead they need to be a few inches from your face.
Do you track with me? Haven’t you ever been with someone in a public place and smoothly try to tell them something out of the corner of your mouth, trying to draw as little attention as possible to yourself probably trying to make some critical comment that you don’t want the others around you to hear, and because your dumb-o friend (or perhaps temporarily dumb-o) and instead of whispering a quiet “huh?” they awkwardly do a huge lean/bend at the waist and ask loudly “What did you say?” and now you have a third of the people whose attention you were trying not to draw conveniently looking over at you… then you have to be the one to be like uhhh I’ll tell you later. AWKWARD!
So maybe I’m just too sensitive to social situations. I am a self confessed over-analyzer. Most of my cell phone people-can’t-hear-me issues come from not wanting to disturb those around me or have them hear my conversation. Maybe I need to readjust my volume settings… maybe then people at my office would be able to hear when I page them over the loudspeaker. Until then, I’m grateful for the intervention of my coworkers who tell me weekly that I have a soft voice.
So, while I’m on the theme of noticing funny little things about myself (well this can be the second in my theme…) here’s my newest: I have a “soft voice.” I never thought of myself as having a “soft voice” (maybe I still don’t cus I’m putting it in quotation marks). I mean, I guess as I look back on my entire life I remember some instances that might prove this “theory.” For one, one of my pet peeves has developed throughout the years to be when someone can’t hear you and they lean into you and say “What did you say?” As though you couldn’t say it in a louder volume and instead they need to be a few inches from your face.
Do you track with me? Haven’t you ever been with someone in a public place and smoothly try to tell them something out of the corner of your mouth, trying to draw as little attention as possible to yourself probably trying to make some critical comment that you don’t want the others around you to hear, and because your dumb-o friend (or perhaps temporarily dumb-o) and instead of whispering a quiet “huh?” they awkwardly do a huge lean/bend at the waist and ask loudly “What did you say?” and now you have a third of the people whose attention you were trying not to draw conveniently looking over at you… then you have to be the one to be like uhhh I’ll tell you later. AWKWARD!
So maybe I’m just too sensitive to social situations. I am a self confessed over-analyzer. Most of my cell phone people-can’t-hear-me issues come from not wanting to disturb those around me or have them hear my conversation. Maybe I need to readjust my volume settings… maybe then people at my office would be able to hear when I page them over the loudspeaker. Until then, I’m grateful for the intervention of my coworkers who tell me weekly that I have a soft voice.
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