Uncle.

Beastocity: 8 (and rising)

I like to think of myself as a rebel. Well I’m not, but I think there is some instinct in me that wants to go against… stuff. It’s hard to just receive. I have a hard time receiving. I want to prove myself worthy or prove myself unworthy, anything but freely receive. Receive what?, you might ask. Well, anything! What was your response last time someone complimented you or gave you something? Is your internal processing something like woa, do I deserve this? a) no! oh no! what do I do now? Either provide evidence that I don’t deserve their kindness or… what could I do to deserve it? Hmm, yes I’ll do that. Yes, then I’ll be able to deserve this. here just wait here a second and I’m going to take care of some business and then we’ll get back to this receiving thing. b) hmm well… I have done this and this recently and therefore I do deserve this, in fact, why didn’t I get it sooner? man they owe me. what could I do to show them that I deserve more… yeah, this isn’t good enough.

Relate? Maybe not. But such is my response to others all too often and that has been my response to God recently. I want to rebel. Love? He has love for me? Ha, whatever. Isn’t he all knowing? Well if he loves me then he must not be. And I’ve gotten tired. I’m tired of response (a). Something in my heart tugs back and forth saying that I’m in such a great need for God’s love but also saying that I don’t even want to ask because he just might give it and I’m not feeling like I deserve it right now. I’ll get back to him when I feel like I deserve it.

Today was a little different, a hiccup in my normal brainwaves about this topic. It went something like this: Do I like and trust God’s way of doing things but not his economy of giving and receiving love? well.. yes. Is trusting God trusting his way of doing things? yeah. Do I trust that if God wants to give me love, then he should? oh... not currently. Do I want to trust God? I want to.